Finding a balance is essential when providing support to encourage independence.
When an older adult starts needing help with everyday activities, we automatically want to provide as much assistance as possible. We want them to be safe, and we want to minimize the worry getting through day-to-day life. Unfortunately, sometimes our instincts can backfire.
Dr. Barry Jacobs recently wrote an article for AARP about caring for his mother, “With all my best intentions and concerted energies, I mostly succeeded in curbing her independence and squelching her spirit. She didn’t see me as her caring son so much as the overbearing usurper of roles she cherished.” Sometimes our eagerness to keep the older adults safe end up helping too much. So how do we help the older adult who is declining in their abilities and switching from good to bad days?
Dr. Jacobs recommends “4 ways to help while also encouraging senior independence.” Here are some of his key points.
- Talk and plan together.
Before your older adult needs help, have conversations about how their abilities may change. Please find out how they’d like to be supported when they need help physically and cognitively. Being realistic about the future and preparing for inevitable changes will help both of you and shows respect for their opinion. - Don’t jump in with help too quickly.
We might see our older adults needing help once or twice and assume they always do – but it could have been a fluke. Before jumping in to take over, step back and observe their “true” behavior and confirm your concerns with others. Keeping a journal helps families see some of the changes. - Focus on their abilities and what they can do
Continuing to do as many activities and tasks independently helps seniors retain abilities and boost self-esteem. Guide them toward functions they can do or adapt activities to make them more accessible. For example, if setting the table from scratch is overwhelming, pull out the needed silverware and then ask your older adult to help set the table, or, if cooking a meal has too many steps, ask them to help you with prep or keep you company and taste-test. - Please focus on the fact that help is empowering and allows them to do more.
Remind your older adult that assistance is to enable them to do what they want as safely and independently as possible. Dr. Jacobs uses the analogy of a can. Using a cane allows someone to walk farther on their own.
